Here I Sit (10) just wanting to sleep

Just downed an echinacea and some vitamin C - I've not been well - everyone's not been well - it was only a matter of time but I've fought it with everything I have. Roasted garlic, fresh garlic, vicks on my feet (someone told me this one once and it seems to work - smother your feet in vicks, pop on some socks and hop into bed), homeopathic remedies and loads of liquids, the occasional panadol and lemsip to keep the aches at bay. But sleep always seems to be the best remedy when I'm feeling run down - it's just finding the time to sleep - when your teetering on the brink of being sick - it's hard to call into work sick, hard to just crawl into bed when the dog needs walking, the laundry needs doing, the dinner needs cooking, the house needs tidying..blogs that need doing (really - NEED!?)

So, on that note I'm going to put the laundry away, get dressed for work, make breakfast..I've walked the dog already - and go to work when I'd much rather go back to bed!

Here I Sit: Here I Sit (9) loving breakfast

Here I Sit: Here I Sit (9) loving breakfast: I’ve totally outdone myself this morning – missed last nights blog but will make up for it today – and am kicking off in S T Y L E! Cup of h...

Here I Sit (9) loving breakfast

I’ve totally outdone myself this morning – missed last nights blog but will make up for it today – and am kicking off in S T Y L E! Cup of home made Chai Tea – if you’ve never tried Chai it may not be ‘your bag’ – it’s sweetened spiced Indian tea – so cardamom, cinnamon, star anise and all sorts of other goodies – served milky. So, normally I cheat and just stew the chai in water and then add milk – like a normal tea. BUT today, I boiled milk with the chai in it – mmmmmm!

But that’s NOT all – had some left over corn from last night’s dinner – it was a toss up between a corn and mushroom omelete OR could I really be bothered and do my FAVOURITE breakfast treat with corn!!

Yes, yes  people I could – here I sit with fluffy bacon and corn pancakes dripping in maple syrup – it doesn’t get much better – I have spoilt myself to the max.

I LOVE BREAKFAST more than anything – canapes come a very close second but Breakfast is where it’s at for me.

Never been much of a lunch person – sandwiches just don’t rock my World, salad’s ok as a side dish and soup is god (freudian spelling mistake – decided to leave it!)  when it’s cold. Dinner is good but doesn’t get me as excited as a selection of nibbles, I’m and entree fan, a canape fancier, a tapas taster and a hors d’oeuvres aficionado.

I think I worked something out for myself yesterday – a bit of an epiphany really. I hate mind games, I get frustrated by people that can’t just say things as they are – whatever it is – work, play, personal, professional – if you want something, need to communicate something – say it. I might leave this for today – I still haven’t quite sussed this one out in my own mind and it’s a bit jumbled still – stay tuned – I will re-visit at some stage. (What a hypocrite – speaking of people who can’t say things as they are – maybe that’s it people don’t know what they want or how to communicate so they don’t say it or they say something to cover the fact they can’t say what they want!!)

So, in that case then, why do people struggle to find the words, to understand why they are hurt and how to let other people know, to say they want something and why and accept it if they are rejected. The problem is we are sometimes so caught up in our World that we fail to see how anyone else relates to what we are doing and saying. Life is a constant challenge of dealing with our own emotions and state of mental health and then interacting with other people who are struggling with their own issues.

It’s a rare and precious thing when we find a ‘like minded’ person – this is where friendships are made – and vice versa when we meet someone we ‘just don’t get’ – enemies are made! 

Here I Sit (8) with Charlie

Just had a truly lovely dinner – very basic but with one key ingredient – a Charlie Bigham Steak and Ale pie..you get 2 in a packet, they come in real ceramic ramekins and if that wasn’t enough..this is the blurb on the side..

TURN OFF THE PHONE, DIM THE LIGHTS AND CRACK OPEN A BOTTLE, STEAL BACK SOME TIME BY LETTING CHARLIE PREPARE YOU A TRULY DEICIOUS MEAL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS RELAX AND ENJOY EACH OTHER’S COMPANY

Seriously how cool is that?? I love good marketing, intelligent marketing is a joy to behold, when someone uses plain speak and appeals to your every emotion and actually makes you believe they care about you and understand you – I love it. I hate being underestimated or steam rollered by ignorant, bullish and rude advertising – it offends my every sense.

Speaking of which – the saga with work continues – ‘the favourite’ as he will be known because I refuse to reveal names – is a little out of his depth this week – the incompetent boss (his biggest fan) is away this week so he is flying solo and he’s surrounded by his peers, the people he has made no effort to relate to or establish relationships with because he’s been so busy smoothing his way with the boss. So he’s sort of ‘out on a limb’ – especially as he’s still in the honeymoon period of his recent promotion. A little harsh some might say, I do feel for him a bit – middle management is crap at the best of times but middle management without your management cheer squad is a lonely place to be.

Anyhooo..he hasn’t managed to win any favours with me, he’s falsely enthusiastic with staff, sadly misguided with his direction and generally just rude, arrogant and condescending – a monster has emerged but he’s a clever monster and displays these behaviours only for the benefit and torment of staff – those that sit above him are indulged with his smoothest and sleekest moves. Too many times have I seen such displays and too many times they have worked – fair play to him he’s got the game sussed, I’m just not able to compete, don’t want to compete and feel so frustrated that the management types don’t see through the charade and are so desperate for approval themselves that his masked compliments wash over them and leave them thinking that he’s amazing.

It’s all a a bit reminisce of displays seen in nature where the lesser animal kowtows to the alpha animal in the hope of scraps or some attention and it makes my blood boil – I see it as weakness.

But have I got it wrong, is is really survival..take the dogs who first associated with man, they did so to get the scraps, soon enough man realised that dogs could hear predators near their camp much sooner than they could so encouraged dogs. Eventually the bond was forged and man and dog still form one of the closest relationships known between man and beast – all because the dog was happy with the scraps and didn’t ever try to eat the hand that fed it. I want to eat the hand that feeds me – so maybe I need to have a re-think here and work out my priorities – or find a new hand to feed me – a hand that will encourage, support and guide me..rather than one that undermines, undervalues and underrates me!

So, on this happy note – I say – who cares – I have 2 days off and will relax, unwind, indulge and enjoy myself.

Here I Sit (7) tired but happy

Just finished off my Pear Cider - something nice and refreshing about cider and made with pears it's a little sweeter but still tangy, zippy and refreshing - went great with my Chicken Korma - homemade - and I didn't have any single cream so used coconut milk -RESULT - very yummy.

Went for a little after work run with a couple of work buddies - the plan was just a quick round and then home in time for tea and medals but we went for a slightly bigger hill, got slightly off course, got a bit wed, a bit muddy and ended up out for over an hour.

So ready for bed now, had my warm shower, filled my belly and feeling tired but happy.

Why is it that it's so hard to motivate yourself to exercise, the benefits far outweigh the negatives..you feel better mentally, physically and emotionally if you exercise. If you don't exercise you suffer from bad body image, mood swings and boredom - to name a few negatives. Why is it that it's so much easier for us to eat bad food and do nothing - why haven't we been automatically wired from birth with an overwhelming drive to push ourselves hard physically, to challenge ourselves mentally and to feel more in control of our emotions. I guess we're all on our own life journey and find what works best for us but exercise is what the body is meant to do.

I saw a program the other day and the couple on it said they have a family rule - no exercise. They were both overweight but incredibly happy, building their dream home, both with successful careers and content with their lot - will there come a time when they start to suffer from health issues due to lack of exercise, will they discover too late that they enjoy exercise and wish they had done more, what made them decide not to exercise in the first place???? 

My parents have both always been active, Dad was involved with all sorts of sports but I remember him playing golf and squash more than anything else, Mum has never been into the competitive sports but still cycles, walks and swims. My sibling and I have always engaged in sport of some type, whether individual, team, competitive or social. I love it, love the feeling it gives me, it makes me feel free and in charge of myself and my direction.

I have been blessed with a body that enjoys and generally does well at all types of exercise but it's not until recently that running has become my thing.

Running is the best, it can be all things - individual or team, competitive or social..it only costs a pair of shoes and some running kit, you can run anywhere and there's no charge. It takes you to places you might not go if you were just walking, it gets you there quicker so you can see more and do more so it also means you can travel lighter than if you were walking.

I run because I can!

Here I Sit (6) with big questions

With a post work Corona – and yes with a slice of fresh lime – seriously is there any other way? Who comes up with these things. Who sits there with a beer (who invented beer?) and goes ‘You know what I reckon, a slice of lime squeezed in through the top of this bottle would just set it off nicely!”. There should be knighthoods for people like that – well actually no, probably something more appropriate – maybe enforced retirement, with full pension and a house in the caribbean – YEAH! (and no it’s not the beer speaking – I’ve only had one sip so far!) And then there’s the corn chips – plain, salty, crispy and so yummy, throw in some salsa and sour cream and OMG it’s on – go the Mexicans! Do they even eat this stuff or has it all been Westernised??

I ask the big questions people!

What gives other people the right to get stroppy and cross with complete strangers..what makes it ok to vent and spew your venom all over other peoples feelings, since when is it ok to dump your crap on my front lawn?? I’m usually good with this stuff – if someone’s driving badly or behaving badly I can sit back and say ‘It’s their problem, you don’t know what’s going on in their life – they could have just found out that they have a terminal illness, their wife could have just left them, their child might have just died..you just don’t know so don’t take their issues on and make them your own’.

So, I work in retail and this group of 3 people came to the till (all of them 40+) one of the ladies carrying an item and looking very attached to it and smiling. I clock her reaction and interact with her by the time they are within 2 meters of the till, we talk, we laugh and we engage – life is good. Then comes the ‘tense moment’ – the mention of money is inevitable – that’s why we are all here, them to spend, me to earn – it has to be done. (I was like a lamb to the slaughter – think of a pack of 3 wolves stalking their happy little prey) The strike was imminent, the item scanned and before I knew what I was doing the words were out of my mouth and they pounced – straight for the jugular! The price on the tag was grossly ‘low’ and didn’t correspond to the price that flashed up on the till – which was almost double – and this is the price I said (because the till NEVER lies!)

WELL you would have thought I’d cheated them of life and that I was the one totally responsible for the garment, the pricing, the production, the Chinese workers in the factory that made the garment, the shipping company that imported the item, the buyers and merchandisers who selected the item, the stitch tax man, the zipper production lady, the manager, the CEO and hell the whole of Creation!! ‘YOU have to sell it to us for the price on the tag it’s illegal not to. YOU have to, by law, sell us the item for the price advertised. YOU have a legal obligation to sell the item at this price’

‘WELL guess what I don’t have to fucking do anything, I get paid shit wages, I get treated like shit, I have to deal with shit heads like you every day and you can go fuck yourselves’

is what I would like to have said…BUT what I actually said is (and take note all you self righteous shoppers out there that think you know the law!!) I don’t have to sell you the item for the low price, all I need to do is remove the stock from the shop floor, change the prices to their CORRECT price and then bring them back out on the shop floor again.’ If I do sell you that item at that price my sorry arse will get hauled across the hot coals by my incompetent boss and where will be your letter of thanks for taking the hit for you?  ’what’s that it got lost in the mail!  yeah sure – fuck off!’

But the rest of my day was pretty sweet and hopefully they had a totally crap one – found out they had a terminal illness, wife left them or something equally crappy.

Here I Sit (5) in my sanctuary

Just had a herbal tea with honey – for anyone out there who likes the smell of herbal tea but is constantly disappointed by the lack of flavour – a teaspoon of honey works wonders – you only have to wake up in an Alpine hut to know this – it’s the way they like it in the Alps, herbal tea and honey. The sweetness brings out the flavour – try it!

One of the guys I work with was sporting a particularly nasty scratch on his nose and cheek today – I didn’t mention it but did notice it – he’s the rugged type anyway and the scars sort of suited the whole look so left him with it – in case there wasn’t some heroic story to go with it. I’d be shattered if he’d said ‘Oh I was knitting a cardi for winter and my needles slipped’ or “I was shaking out my sequined bed throw and caught it on my nose’ or ‘I was out with the guys and slipped on the gutter because my heels were too high’..so I left it.

By the afternoon we were having a chat and he brought it up – you know the old ‘ bet you’re wondering how I got these scars on my face?’ line. 

So yes, yes I was wondering (please please please don’t disappoint!). Well, turns out it was his cat and he had some matching scars on his chest..it was obviously a doosie whatever went down – that poor kitty was not happy! So, it turns out he and his missus have moved in together – she has a dog and a cat and he has a cat – so we have a 1 dog and 2 cat family. The 2 cats get on great but his cat – not so happy with her dog – so what does he do??? Tries to introduce the cat to the dog by taking the cat to the dog!!

Ok so picture this you are small and furry and fast with claws, your natural arch enemy since time eternal is (generally) larger, furrier and fast with big teeth..your natural arch enemy likes to chase you and your best chance of survival is to run and claw your way to the top of the highest thing within reach. So, your loving, caring and trusted owner picks you up from your nice warm sanctuary in the bedroom (aaah a hug nice, puuuurrrr) and carries you downstairs – something you’re not overly comfortable with because the dog is down there (heart rate increases slightly and body starts to tense). At this stage your caring one’s heart rate has increased and he is hugging you tighter (why what’s happening what’s going on, this isn’t feeling like a hug anymore!!). The trusted one moves into the room with the dog and over to the dog and then (what the fuck!) he pushes you away from the sanctuary of his body and towards the jaws of your arch enemy (what the fuck!! is he seriously feeding me to the dog – after all these years of gracing him with my presence and this is how it’s going to end – well not on my fucking shift!!!) Up , up, up ,up, claw, scratch, claw, scratch..(get me outta here! fuck all of you!)

So, if you are ever thinking of trying to introduce your cat to you dog may I suggest the following! You don’t need them to be best buddies it can happen but as with humans you can’t make it happen. Tolerance is a good level to try to achieve – but it has to be on their terms NOT yours. They (the beasties) both need to feel safe and have some means of escape if it all becomes to much. It has to be when they are ready not when you need it to happen and NEVER leave them alone together to sort it out – unless you want a permanently traumatised animal FOREVER! A cat in a carry cage can be brought into a room where there is peace and tranquility and a ‘calm’ dog..the cat feels safe in it’s cage, can be contained and won’t cause any harm to anyone (including itself). This process can be repeated over a sequence of nights until the cat visibly relaxes and can see that no-one means it any harm. Eventually, the cage door can be left open – but the cat still needs a means of escape or a safe haven. Again repeat until cat eventually realises that no one cares about it’s presence and in fact if it can EVER trust again it will benefit from staying because it will get the pats and rubs and good stuff from hanging out with the family despite the dog!

Here I Sit (4) exhausted

I’ve just devoured a bowl of Kettle Ridge crisps – in the cheese and onion variety – and yes a bowl – because I’m trying not to eat the whole packet – but after this I shall shower and then maybe eat the rest. A post work drink feels as though it’s needed as well but I don’t want to compound my exhaustion and feeling of complacency with alcohol just yet.

And besides, I have this thing where I like to get my chores done before I sit down – so once I’ve sat down I don’t have to get up again EVER! It can sometimes mean I don’t get to sit down for a few hours because I always seem to have a never ending list of things to do.

Tonight it’s put my running stuff through on a gentle wash and it now also means washing the duvet cover off my bed – because the dog was sick (think it’s sick – doesn’t smell like the other?) on it during the day – not a lot and no awful smell but enough that it needs washing – so tonight or in the laundry basket for another day?? Plus, I want to have a long hot shower – really would love a bath but I’m too tired for that!

Why am I so tired – no really why am I so tired?? 

Today was an easy day, a sit on your bum at work day, a do your own thing at your own pace day, a day that demanded very little physically – there were a few phone calls that required a bit of pep but surely not just that!

No you’re right my friends – actually I do know why – first of 2 things – it’s that time of the month and it’s the first day so I just feel flat, heavy and tired – oh the curse! But the second is my ongoing drama’s at work – I had a fairly reliable tip off that the incompetent boss was going to have a word with me today – so the anticipation of that was exhausting. I needn’t have worried she made it easy for me, at 5ish, during the end of day tasks and while training the new favourite in the end of day tasks she interrupted me from my ‘other job’ – my not under her control or in her payroll job (why she thinks that’s ok – it should be during ‘her’ time) – and asked if I had a minute! ‘A minute – I’ll give you a friggin’ minute girlfriend!’ is what I would like to have said..but the coward in me (or was it the controlling one?) said ‘What now, hmm a bit busy, not a good time!’ Too which she backed away and so ‘Oh well if you do have the time I would like a word’ – I’ll give you 2 words sweet heart (and luckily I’ve rated my blogs PG) Fuck OFF!

Here I Sit (3) I am ME

My parents are old, they are at that age when they are thinking about dying. They are thinking about what they will leave behind and what they will take with them. The will has been written.

They asked me the other day ‘what I wanted from them?’

This is a loaded question. ‘What do I want?’ – do I want my Mum’s paper thin skin that breaks if she even rubs on anything, do I want my father’s full head of hair, do I want my Mum’s longevity, do I want my Dad’s athletic build, do I want my father’s Alzheimer’s, do I want my Mother’s migraines so bad she said once that she would prefer to die than endure another minute…what do I want? OH wait – I don’t have any choice with that stuff do I – NO you idiots, your genes made that decision long before you and I were born, I’ll have to take what I get and deal with what I don’t get (or celebrate what I don’t get)!!

But both you and I know that’s not what they meant, what they meant was do you want the ornaments on the shelf, the momentos they have collected in their life, the carpets, the photo’s, the stamp collections, the paintings, the coin collections, the artifacts, the jewelry, the clothing, the car, the other trappings of our every day life that define us and tell a story of the lives we’ve lived.

They want so much to believe that what they own has some significance to me, to show them that their lives were worthy and that others want what they have. Why? Does it give them power, relevance, control or are they just making sure that ‘everyone’ they leave behind is satisfied that they got their ‘thing’.

No funeral squabbles please we’re dead!

I have my own stuff, built around my own life and I already have too much, more than I need and I don’t want their stuff – is this mean – I don’t think so?! But how do you say that to someone, your parents, who are so desperate for confirmation that all you ever really wanted to be in your life was them! I don’t and never have done – I AM ME  - I may have their genes, can’t change that, but my life is mine with all it’s unnecessary materialistic adornments.

Here I Sit (2) with favouritism

I’ve just over brewed my gingseng tea so it’s bitter but my muesli and banana with maple syrup is going down a treat. It’s a sweet and bitter combination that works quite well. We don’t eat enough bitter food – it’s supposed to help aid digestion – we’re all about the sweet and savoury. I’m a bit partial to wild nettles but you have to be bold when picking the young fresh shoots out of the plant – they can still bite. You have to ‘grab nettle with metal’ – but they make a nice bitter snack when rambling through the hedgerows. This time of year you can mix them with blackberries.

I’m still mulling over my work conundrum, there’s favouritism in the workplace – something we are all inclined to do but when it rears it’s ugly head in the workplace it drives me mad. If it’s favouritism that’s deserved – that is – the favorite is hard working, team orientated, committed and an upstanding member of society (near perfect) then no one is left in any doubt as to why they have achieved those lofty heights.

However, when, as is too often the case, the favourite is just a complete suck, a teacher’s pet and a slimy cheesy smooth merchant the favouritism is very damaging.

I know it’s the way the World works, you have to learn to play the game but to my mind it makes the boss (or whoever the favouritism is being displayed by) look weak, pathetic, needy and slightly desperate..get some non-work friends, go for a drink after work and indulge your poor friendship choices in your own time don’t force your poor choices on us at work.

Work is hard enough as it is – no matter how much you enjoy your job if we could we wouldn’t work – if we all had money, or better still you didn’t need money then all of us would be doing something different (I’d be cycling around the World – or sailing – this week anyway!) So, as I was saying, work is hard enough as it is without having a boss who thinks there is some kid of popularity contest going on at work – therefore which ever staff member makes them feel the most popular becomes their favourite. It’s pathetic (did I say that already) needy, desperate and so very frustrating. It’s also emotionally crippling and damages the morale of the rest of the group because you suddenly realise that no matter how hard you work, how smart you look, how focussed and committed you are – it means shit – you need to be smooth with the boss (who by the way you don’t respect now because of their poor ‘friend’ choice) and for most of us – the true upstanding and respected members of the community – this just ain’t going to happen anytime soon.

Or should I just bury my pride, pull my righteous head in and go suck up to the boss?? (Not in my lifetime  - not my bag baby!)

Here I Sit (1) the greater good

Cup of ginseng guardian blend tea drunk, washing up from breakfast and lunch soaking, carpet vacuumed, dog walked and snoozing quietly..so for me it’s time to reflect.

This is my Saturday, it’s only Wednesday but I work in an industry that thrives on weekend work. My career has always been centered around weekend work, I’ve had a few Monday to Friday jobs but I always seem to gravitate back to weekends. There’s something joyous about having weekdays off – I convinced myself of that years ago and it still sits well with me. Weekdays off mean no queues, less traffic, less people about generally, a satisfying feeling of being off while everyone else works. It must be how weekend people feel except they have to battle the crowds of others.

Work has defined me and my life over the years. It’s taught me a lot but I still seem to keep learning, each job presents new challenges – new people to work with and new things to earn. I love new challenges and meeting new people so I’ve changed jobs a few times in my life.

But why is it that I always seem to end up clashing with someone, why is there always someone that seems to be working off a different page to me. Someone that I just don’t get – their approach to work, people, life or just me just doesn’t sit right in the Grand Scheme of things.

Sometimes I feel as though I’ve been put in a workplace to ‘sort out the issues’!

It makes it very hard for me – I always feel as though I have a battle on. It’s not usually like that from the outset – initially everyone seems ok – with varying degrees of ok-ness. I try to be as ‘good’ as I can, learning as quick as I can, learning names, places, procedures, processes so that I create as little disruption as possible. It’s always hard introducing a new person into a job, someone has to babysit them, train them and adapt to the new energy that this newbie brings. We walk around each other, assessing each other, what kind of shoes, what accent, what hair style, what lunch selection, tea or coffee..we assess to see if we can pigeon hole the new person ‘Aaahh they drink coffee, like short hair, eat a healthy salad, like comfortable shoes and sound like they’re from the South somewhere’.

One day I’d like to find myself in a job where everyone just gets on because they are so driven and passionate about what we are doing that personal petty issues are an unknown entity. Where we accept each others short comings because we are all driven for the greater good of whatever we are doing, we embrace each others failings because they’re strengths are so amazing that we don’t know what we would do without them on our team and we know that we need them on our team to get the job done.